MUERTOS Y POEMAS

1992: Mueren Gary, Guillermo, Gūnter, y otros muchos más. Descubro los poemas de Mark Doty; escritos durante la enfermedad de su amante, en ellos explora su relación con la muerte, su amante, otros amigos y la época más tenaz de esa plaga. Leemos el poema Atlantis de Doty -acababa de morir Guillermo, el amante de mi amigo Ariel. Lloramos, nos despojamos, desahogamos.  

2017: Regreso donde Doty un lunes, sin saber por qué, y tres días más tarde muere Ariel. 

Atlantis

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BY MARK DOTY

1. FAITH 

“I’ve been having these 

awful dreams, each a little different, 

though the core’s the same— 

we’re walking in a field, 

Wally and Arden and I, a stretch of grass 

with a highway running beside it, 

or a path in the woods that opens 

onto a road. Everything’s fine, 

then the dog sprints ahead of us, 

excited; we’re calling but 

he’s racing down a scent and doesn’t hear us, 

and that’s when he goes 

onto the highway. I don’t want to describe it. 

Sometimes it’s brutal and over, 

and others he’s struck and takes off 

so we don’t know where he is 

or how bad. This wakes me 

every night now, and I stay awake; 

I’m afraid if I sleep I’ll go back 

into the dream. It’s been six months, 

almost exactly, since the doctor wrote 

not even a real word 

but an acronym, a vacant 

four-letter cipher 

that draws meanings into itself, 

reconstitutes the world. 

We tried to say it was just 

a word; we tried to admit 

it had power and thus to nullify it 

by means of our acknowledgement. 

I know the current wisdom: 

bright hope, the power of wishing you’re well. 

He’s just so tired, though nothing 

shows in any tests, Nothing, 

the doctor says, detectable; 

the doctor doesn’t hear what I do, 

that trickling, steadily rising nothing 

that makes him sleep all day, 

vanish into fever’s tranced afternoons, 

and I swear sometimes 

when I put my head to his chest 

I can hear the virus humming 

like a refrigerator. 

Which is what makes me think 

you can take your positive attitude 

and go straight to hell. 

We don’t have a future, 

we have a dog. 

      Who is he? 

Soul without speech, 

sheer, tireless faith, 

he is that-which-goes-forward, 

black muzzle, black paws 

scouting what’s ahead; 

he is where we’ll be hit first, 

he’s the part of us 

that’s going to get it. 

I’m hardly awake on our morning walk 

—always just me and Arden now— 

and sometimes I am still 

in the thrall of the dream, 

which is why, when he took a step onto Commercial 

before I’d looked both ways, 

I screamed his name and grabbed his collar. 

And there I was on my knees, 

both arms around his neck 

and nothing coming, 

and when I looked into that bewildered face 

I realized I didn’t know what it was 

I was shouting at, 

I didn’t know who I was trying to protect.”