A ROOM OF MY OWN

I am selling my apartment and until the date of closing this is my place. Yet, I want to get out of it immediately, to find a room where I will take shelter, as if I am being thrown out of here. It is a feeling that I can easily understand, given my childhood history, scare that we were going to be thrown out from the different shacks my parents rented, the having to continuously get up in the middle of the night because either alcoholic related violence in the house or someone knocking on the front door asking us to go to one of the relatives houses, or my older sisters who were also experiencing violence at home. Stability and homes were not normal for many of us. My relationship with homes is quite “pathological”. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, sweating sometimes, with a fear of nothing in particular, and with a sense of not belonging, with an internal feeling of emptiness. I write to process the sensations, and calm down, to feel that I belong, that I have a place, that no one is coming to throw me out.