WHEN SUICIDE IS NOT ENOUGH FOR AN OLDER PUERTO RICAN GAY MAN WHEN THE SUNRISE, OFTEN, IS ENOUGH

So much micro cruelty in the form of language standards or race or nationality or status or "don't talk to me like that", and I have had to put up with some of them over so many years, is taking a toll on me. I will survive them -as they seem to come my way in different forms-, if I survived my childhood and adolescent years. At this late age, I should only have ro see my doctor, a medical one who also uses homeopathy, for physical ailments and not because every night the desire to kill myself comes back. Every night it haunts me. For those contemplating it, I feel I can understand their actions. It is that bad when one can say that suicide is comprehensible. My sister tried it several times. Two friends with terminal aids carried it out. Other gay men in my circle spoke about it. This entry might seem like it's aimed at asking for compassion or to call attention. Not to worry. My doctor of over twenty years is doing a very good job. He is there on call 24 hours. It is neither to pretend that I am above judgment, but to reveal that suicide, at times, for some is the only option. For others like me and the "colored girls who have considered suicide" in Ntozake Shange's play, for whom "the rainbow is enough", the sunrise in the morning, often, is also enough.